02. I Know I’m Getting Stronger
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Garland Carr (singing): Like a draft through a window, you gotta filter through the cracks
I’m down here in the bedrock, on my back
Please don’t pass me by
I need you, old friend, to lift me
Up and out of this hole that I fell in
[Music: Foreboding country guitar with hand claps (“Baptized and Buried” by Will Harrison)]
Speech Thomas [VO]: Garland Carr is a country music singer with all the charm, all the talent, to make it as a bonafide star.
But instead, he’s in the Richmond City Jail, waiting for his day in court. That’s where he’ll find out if he’ll be set free… or sent to a state prison.
Garland: Hey everybody, I’m Garland.
Group: Hey, Garland.
Speech: In the meantime, he’s embracing all of the resources that are available to him in the REAL program — where he can talk openly about the heroin addiction that he’s struggled with for over a decade.
Garland: Me, man. I got to change…everything.
Speech: Garland is putting in the time, he’s doing the work. But when it comes time to face the judge… will it make a difference?
[Music: Country guitar ends]
Garland: One thing I know for sure is that, you know, it took me thirty-four years to be the person that I don’t want to be anymore.
[Music: Theme music plays, consisting of a choir of men snapping and humming with a hip-hop beat underneath their voices]
Speech: From Narratively and VPM, this is Track Change. I’m Speech Thomas, a musician and part of the hip-hop collective Arrested Development.
And Garland is one of nearly 2 million people locked behind bars in the United States.
Garland (singing theme): Concrete barriers, cold and gray
Speech: We’re at the Richmond City Jail, in Virginia. And I’m here as part of the REAL program — that’s “Recovery from Everyday Addictive Lifestyles.”
Garland: Good Lord, carry my soul away
Speech: REAL’s goal is to help incarcerated people stay sober and stay free, after they’ve been released. And I’m joining the program to work with talented songwriters, singers, and rappers.
We’re recording an album to chronicle their lives as they try to break free of the cycle that’s trapped them.
Garland: Rage and pain, bearing down on me
Been so long since I’ve been free
[Music: Humming and snapping beat fades away]
—
[Sound of a door closing shut]
Speech (to Garland): My brother. How are you?
Garland: All right. All right.
Speech: Good to see you, baby. Good to see you.
Garland: What’s happening?
Speech [VO]: When I first met Garland in the studio, he told me that his hands were cold. He was nervous.
I experience this a lot with guys I produce, especially when it’s their first time recording. But, Garland is no newbie. In fact, the studio is where he feels most at home.
Speech (to Garland): So you’ve recorded numerous stuff in the past.
Garland: Numerous…
Speech: Or something.
Garland: …so I’ve recorded stuff, man. I’ve, I’ve squandered quite a few years, man.
Speech [VO]: I’d already been so impressed by Garland’s vulnerability.
When I first sat with him in the group meeting, I felt that he was really brave to open up in that setting – but I didn’t expect him to be so open with me.
Right away, he tells me about his strained relationship with his younger brother.
Garland: And my little brother, you know, has always been a big fan, and you know…You know, when I came home last time, man, I just…
My head was not in the right place, you know, and he had been literally, like, waiting for me for years and had built this studio, not just for me…
Speech [VO]: His brother invested a lot into the studio. He thought recording an album together would keep Garland accountable, and invested in a habit that wasn’t heroin.
But instead, Garland blew off studio sessions to get high.
Garland: And his dream was to make this country record with his big brother, man, and…
Speech (to Garland): Aw, man.
Garland: …you know, and I kind of blew it, so…I’m trying to make up for that now.
[Music: Uplifting hip-hop beat starts (“Love Reborn” by Matt Large)]
Speech [VO]: The REAL program’s had a music studio since it got started.
Research shows that talking about feelings with people you trust is a great way to deal with trauma.
So for these guys, making music, writing lyrics, freestyling in the recording booth, singing about what they’ve been through — helps to let it all out.
But after the music’s finished, there’s never really been anywhere for it to go.
That’s why I’m spending ten days recording music with them in the REAL studio.
And today I’m working with Garland on a song he calls “Freedom Wind” — which he started writing the last time he was in prison.
[Music: Uplifting hip-hop beat ends]
[Sound of Garland singing acapella for Speech in the studio]
Garland: Dead in the water
I went wrong
I’ve been drifting way too long
But there’s a change in the weather coming
The sun sets red
Two fronts collide inside of my head…
Speech (to Garland): Love it.
Garland: Thank you, thank you.
Speech: It’s a beautiful song, man. I also want to know, just, even what the song means to you.
Garland: Yeah man, I remember the day that I wrote the majority of it. And I was at a road camp, in the mountains… beautiful place.
And it was fall, and I was getting close to coming home. Just that little bit of time I had left, seemed like a, you know, like a lifetime.
I mean, that’s how I felt that day: dead in the water, I went wrong, been drifting far too long…
So I was kind of, like, imagining for that first verse, “Dead in the water,” like a boat caught in the doldrums, like an old sailing ship, no wind, you know what I mean?
Speech: Yeah.
Garland: And you’re just at the mercy of the tide, I guess.
Speech: Yeah.
Garland: Um, you certainly can’t go where you wanna go.
And then the second verse: “Please don’t pass me by, I need you, old friend, to lift me up and out of this hole that I fell in…”
But I wasn’t even just talking about being on that prison yard, man, cause a lot of times… I’ve felt much freer at points of my incarceration when I’m at a good place, then I have in full-swing, heroin addiction on the street. You know what I mean?
Speech: Wow.
Garland: Like that’s about the worst…
Speech: Wow!
[Music: Garland plays acoustic guitar and sings his country song, “Freedom Wind”]
Garland: Dead in the water
I went wrong
I’ve been drifting way too long.
But there’s a change in the weather coming
The sun sets red
Two fronts collide inside of my head.
Speech [VO]: Garland’s been making music for years. So when he comes into the studio, he’s coming in with finished songs.
And I’m just like, “Damn! He has it.”
The tone and the style, the soulfulness of his voice, his lyrics, his melodies, his charisma.
All of these things, together, is what makes his songs undeniable.
Garland: I gotta feel you on my face
Garland (to Speech): The harmonies…I might sing that part.
Garland (singing): You gotta blow me out of this place.
I know I’m getting stronger.
And I can’t wait much longer.
I ain’t got no time to waste…
Freedom Wind
Blow me away
I don’t feel so free today
And I know that
It won’t be long
Til I sail again
I’m just a waitin’ on your
freedom wind
Speech [VO]: Because I know about Garland’s past, his lyrics jump off the page for me.
I mean, this man is singing about moving forward after life in a prison cell.
He’s tapping into how it feels to feel like there’s no clear way forward. And the words are relatable and real for anybody that’s felt trapped in their own life, trapped by their circumstances, or by their own choices.
Garland: And I know that it won’t be long til I sail again
I’m just a waiting on your freedom wind
Speech (to Garland): Nice.
Garland (whispering to himself): Alright.
[Music: Melancholy, slightly twangy guitar tune on acoustic guitars (“Light of the Sun” by Hunting for Sunsets)]
Speech [VO]: Garland grew up in a safe home, with loving, supportive parents. But at the age of twenty-three, he took a wrong turn out of culinary school…
Garland: …and wound up shooting dope and coke and, uh, you know, finding my way into quite a bit of trouble real quick.
Speech: Garland served time for grand larceny and possession of a controlled substance. And when he was released, he did well at first.
Garland: And I got back into doing heroin again.
Speech: At the time, he hadn’t realized that he had a deep and serious substance use disorder.
Garland: And, uh, you know, I’m working two jobs to try to like, support a habit. And then, um, then you gotta, like…
[Music: Melancholy acoustic guitar tune ends]
Garland: …stray off and commit a crime here and there, you know what I mean for, for money.
Speech: But that money was never enough. So Garland went bigger.
Garland: I robbed a bank in Charlottesville, which sounds crazy to say.
Um, but it was like one of those jobs where you hand a note to the teller, you know what I mean? You might as well give ‘em a bad check, you know…
[Music: Grounded, bluesy song with acoustic guitar, piano, and steady, midtempo drumbeat (“Prairie Wisdom” by ‘Finn Danniell)]
Speech: Garland is just one of these people that has just an extreme amount of charm. You know, he’s just that dude.
When he shows up for various meetings that he has to go to, he just makes everything he does look effortless. Like his addiction, and the damage it’s caused, are completely behind him.
He has this optimism about him. And I think this basically relates to how he is as a musician, as well, ‘cause Garland’s music is an extension of that same charisma and outlook, and they’re both what makes his music shine.
In some ways, that’s a downside, because you got all of this talent, and you sort of hold back a little bit, you don’t give everything you can, because you can coast.
And I think Garland’s struggle is that: that his charm, his leadership, his optimism – can sort of be a gift, but also a curse.
[Music: Grounded, bluesy song ends]
—
[Sounds of Garland pulling up a chair to a video kiosk in a small room in the jail]
Speech: It’s the highlight of Garland’s week.
Garland: My girlfriend, Kelly is coming (laughs). The only person who comes up here to visit me every week, um…
Speech: Kelly and Garland have been together for three years.
Garland: You know, I miss Kelly too, God. You don’t know how good you got until it’s gone, you know what I mean? (Laughs)
Speech [VO]: The two of them used to have in person, face to face visits. But then one of the men inside broke the jail’s rules, and changes were made.
Even though Kelly and Garland are in the same facility at the same time, now, they’re only allowed to see each other through a video screen bolted to the wall, with a grainy, low resolution image.
Garland: You know, you only get one visit a week, and it’s on this here kiosk screen. Um, kind of takes any, uh, intimacy out of it. But, you know, we do the best we can.
[Sounds of Kelly Carr picking up the phone receiver on her side of the video kiosk]
Garland (to Kelly): Hey! There she is! (Chuckles)
What’s up? You look beautiful.
Kelly: Thanks babe.
Garland: Let me get a kiss. Video…video chat kiss.
Kelly: (Laughs) Can’t get any hotter than that.
Garland: I dunno. How ya doin?
Speech [VO]: On the call, they catch up on the latest. Kelly tells Garland about how she was getting her son dressed for the day.
Kelly: And three pairs of shoes later, he was fine? (Laughs)
Garland: (Laughs) Oh yeah?
Speech: Dating a person who struggles with substance use can inflict a lot of wounds. And for Kelly, some of them still haven’t healed.
Kelly: When you were in prison and you were like, telling me, like, “Oh, you know, I’m totally different and I’m never going to go back,” and all this stuff – like, “When I come home, I’m going to do this, this and this.”
Like your expectation, or your – they were just unrealistic.
And it’s like —
Garland: They were completely unrealistic. I was living in a fantasy world.
Kelly: I literally look back, and of course it’s hurtful. Do you know what I mean? To me. And I don’t know, that’s been the hardest thing for you to accept. I don’t understand it.
Speech: Kelly has sacrificed a lot to be here. She’s lost some friends who don’t agree with her relationship.
And she never talks about Garland with her son, who took it incredibly hard the last time that Garland suddenly left their home.
Kelly: How do I know that you’re not gonna go back to doing that again?
Like, that’s a mistake I’ll never make, thinking that I know for sure. ‘Cause that was like —
Garland: Yeah! Yeah. I mean, I…
Kelly: — the hardest thing to do.
Garland: …you know, I would be remiss if I didn’t ask myself the same question, you know?
How do you know? How do I know?
You know, if I do everything I’m supposed to do today, then tomorrow will hopefully be what I want it to be. You know what I mean?
Kelly: One of the things, I think, that’s like your biggest struggle is, like, facing things, and like, owning it.
You know what I mean?
Garland: I know you say that, and I know in the past year, you’re exact — you’re absolutely right about that.
I’m just letting you know. I understand it to be true. I’m gonna heed it. But I don’t like the way it makes me feel. That’s all. (Chuckles)
Kelly: (Chuckles)
Speech: And just then, the words “1 minute remaining” pop up on the screen.
Garland: All right. I love you.
Kelly: I love you, too.
All right, one second.
[Sounds of Kelly hanging up the phone receiver on her end]
Kelly: Yeah, you almost got us on a fight right there. (Laughs)
Oh, geez Louise.
[Music: Soft, smooth, and plaintive acoustic guitar chords (“Sundown Drifter” by Will Harrison)]
Speech: Kelly and Garland have known each other since they were teenagers working at a seafood restaurant. She was a hostess, and he was a bus boy.
When they reconnected as adults, Garland was already incarcerated.
Kelly remembers visiting him in prison about five months later.
Kelly: The smile, the like brightness, the shine in his eyes, is amazing.
My family and my friends were like, “What the hell are you thinking,” you know?
And they just kept telling me, like, when he got out, that he would go back to his old ways and all this, and I was really, really – I’m not a naive person, I was like, really, really, um, sure of it all.
That he would be good and he was changed, and…
Speech: Their relationship kept growing. And Garland swore to Kelly that he would never do drugs again.
Kelly: And I believed him. He seemed like he was really, really sure of it.
Um, but then just a couple months out, I noticed, like, some erratic behavior – and I thought it was just like him getting used to being out…
Speech: But only a month after his release, Garland was on heroin again.
Kelly: I used to, like wait up at night and just look at him while he slept.
[Music: Soft, smooth acoustic guitar ends]
Kelly: And just being fearful of, like, “I’m going to wake up and he’s gonna be dead.”
Speech: And even though Kelly and her son miss being away from Garland, she says that for now, it’s actually for the best that he’s behind bars.
Kelly: Honestly, as hard as it is to be away from him, like, him being locked up again is the best thing for him right now. Because he has to stay sober.
Speech: Garland’s been in jail for almost a year, because he tried to break into a couple of cell phone stores, stealing – to pay for drugs, and that was a violation of his probation agreement.
The REAL Program has helped him stay sober. And he’s done well, even becoming a leader within his group.
But now, he’s about to face a jury of twelve strangers, who’ll decide whether he goes back to Kelly or if he goes to prison.
Kelly: People always say, like, “Are you gonna wait?”
You know, “Are you gonna wait, even if he gets five or ten years?”
I can’t imagine — I don’t think it’s possible to be with anyone else because of what I’ve felt with him.
(Pauses)
You know, I hurt when Garland hurts. Like, we have this connection.
It’s beyond, like, true love. You know what I mean? Or soulmates.
It’s just something that I can’t explain, or I wouldn’t be going through all this again with him.
Speech: But at the same time…
Kelly: I can’t say that he’s not gonna get out and do drugs. Um…Only time will tell, I guess.
—
[Sounds of a jail door opening, and Sarah Scarbrough’s voice is heard chatting with Garland]
Speech: Garland’s holding his guitar, strumming it, while he talks with Sarah, the director of the REAL Program, about his upcoming court date.
Sarah Scarbrough (to Garland): Has your attorney given you, like, an estimate of what they think —
Garland: I’m told it could be, it could be anywhere from two and a half to like, six, eight years —
(Takes a deep breath)
I don’t know, man, I’ve tried to control things and I get this anxiety in me, and if I just say, “Man, I’m just going to go in there and tell the truth”…
[Sounds of Garland strumming his guitar]
Speech: Sarah can see that Garland’s changed his approach. He’s beginning to look at things differently in terms of his jail time, and also his relationship with Kelly.
Garland: I’ve thought about breaking up with her, the…like, the scheming, bad part of me, because I wouldn’t have to be accountable to her. You know what I mean?
Like, I’m not going to sneak around and get high with Kelly. Not gonna happen.
Sarah: Well, good.
Garland: I’m just saying I’ve had that conversation in my head. You know what I mean?
Like, “well, if I cut her loose, I could probably still get away with some stuff!”
You know? So…
Sarah: But I mean, you know, like, no, she may not want to hear that, but at the same time, if she heard you say that, I think that shows where your head is today.
—
[Sounds of Garland tuning his guitar]
Speech: In the studio, Garland comes to me with another song. It’s about missing family.
Garland: Alright, this is a song called “Two Stamps.”
Speech (to Garland): “Two Stamps.”
Garland: Yeah.
Speech: Okay.
Garland: You listen to the words and it makes sense why,
It’s — “two stamps” is a dollar in prison.
[Music: Garland strums a sparse sounding ballad on acoustic guitar (“Two Stamps” by Garland Carr)]
Speech: Okay.
Garland (singing): It seems like half a lifetime
Years that I’ve been gone
Enough to make me question
this crooked trail I’m on
Nights that I’ve spent standin’
With my toes upon the ledge
Nicotine and morphine
All to try and dull the edge
Speech: Nice.
Garland: And I’m tired of tomorrow
All the wasted time
Scattered trail of pictures, they’re
stretching through my mind
Speech: Nice.
Garland: And if I had a dollar
I know just what I’d do
I’d buy a shot of coffee
And send a letter home to you
And send a letter home to you
And send a letter home…
[Music: Garland stops playing]
Speech: I love it.
Garland: “Two Stamps.”
Speech: It’s fresh. Very, very good. Very, very good. Very good.
—
[Music: Twangy guitar layers and lightly brushed snare (from “Freedom Wind” by Garland Carr)]
Garland: Wednesday…
Speech [VO]: Today is an important day for Garland.
Garland: Two things are happening.
I got court, and I turn 35. It is my birthday. (Laughs)
Speech: It’s fitting that on his birthday, of all days, he seems much more grown.
Garland says that before he met Kelly, he never thought about how his actions really affected his loved ones.
He’s started to understand his impact on those around him, for better and for worse.
Garland: And, uh, you know, by all rights I could be sent back to prison for a long time.
But I…know that I have something more to offer the world.
And this is the first time that I’ve ever…had a concept of the solution.
Speech: Just as Garland’s possibly on the brink of being sent to prison, he’s the most ready for the outside world that he’s ever been.
Garland: I want to get back home to my family, you know. And I want to make right what I did wrong.
You know, I need to make amends, I need to pay restitution, you know what I mean? And I want to keep moving towards the solution.
Speech: Only a few days earlier, Garland called Kelly. He asked if she really meant it when she said she would support him no matter what. And then he told her that he planned to forgo the jury trial, and to plead guilty.
[Music: Instrumental layers for “Freedom Wind” end with a forlorn cello melody]
[Sounds of Kelly driving in her car begin]
Kelly: Um, I think it took me like a couple of minutes to actually respond to that. Cause I wasn’t expecting that, but…I think it says a lot about where he’s at now.
You know, he used to always kind of want to, like, avoid reality. Kinda tiptoe around things, but the fact that he chose, himself, you know, to plead guilty, I think that says a lot about where he’s at mentally, and I think that’s…shows a lot of growth.
I just hope he doesn’t regret that.
Speech: Kelly thinks Garland will be sentenced to a couple of years in prison. All she can do is hope that he’ll stay sober while he’s there. But if he doesn’t, she says, it’s over.
Kelly: I can never do it again. I never would. There’s no way, no way. It makes me sick to even think about those times. It’s nauseating… (Begins to cry)
Sorry… (Sobs slightly)
[Sounds of Kelly driving in her car fade away]
—
[Sounds of a jail door opening and distant voices and sounds echoing]
Speech: After court, we get the news: Garland has been sentenced to more than seven years.
Garland: With any luck, I’ll see my 41st birthday at home…in the world? The free world?
Speech: Four of those years were for his failed attempt to break into a cell phone store.
He tries to put on a brave face and look on the bright side.
Garland: You know, I’ll come out at 41. Best shape of my life, better shape than I’m in now. And, um…
You know, I tell myself, and this is like half a joke, but half not…
You know, if I just get out, give me a trailer down by a swamp somewhere, you know what I mean? I can be free.
Speech: But it’s hard to put on a brave face, when he thinks of Kelly.
Garland: Um, Kelly man, there’s really no positive spin to put on that.
(Breathes deeply)
Garland: To be honest, more likely, I see us…
Gosh, I see her trudging through it, too. You know what I mean? But I don’t even know, you know…
I don’t want to hurt anybody else anymore than I have to.
Hm…I’m going to do some soul searching and figure out the right thing to do there, because…
That’s a, that’s a, that’s a minute, you know what I mean?
[Music: Twangy guitar and lightly brushed snare from “Freedom Wind” return]
Garland: There goes my young life, you know. (Chuckles sadly)
There it goes.
[Music: The full mix of “Freedom Wind,” with guitars, cello, and build up to a powerful drum beat]
Garland (singing): Like a draft through a window, you gotta filter through the cracks
I’m down here in the bedrock, on my back
Please don’t pass me by
I need you, old friend, to lift me
Up and out of this hole that I fell in
I got to feel you on my face
You gotta blow me out of this place
I know I’m getting stronger
And I can’t wait much longer
I ain’t got no time to waste
Freedom wind
Blow me away
I don’t feel so free today
And I know that it won’t be long til I sail again
I’m just awaiting on your freedom wind
So blow, won’t you blow
Blow, freedom wind…
[Music: Music from the official recording of “Freedom Wind” ends]
—
Speech: On the next episode: Anthony.
[Music: Fast, aggressive hip-hop beat (“Recidivism” by Anthony Johnston Jr. and Speech Thomas)]
Anthony (rapping): It’s time to get it right
We might leave this clip tonight
People start talking about God, just like our kryptonite
All we worried about is our girl
and if we did it right
If we tough enough,
if we gangsta enough to live this life
Speech: Anthony is the youngest musician I’m working with. He’s got a lifetime of trauma, and a hot temper. It’s part of the armor he’s built to protect himself.
He’ll be leaving jail soon. But with no one waiting to catch him on the other side, can he avoid getting trapped in here again?
[Music: Fast, aggressive, hip-hop beat ends]
—
[Music: Upbeat, high-energy hip-hop beat (“What” by Alduous Young”)]
Speech: Track Change is made by Narratively and VPM and distributed by the NPR network.
This season was produced by Liz Mak, James Boo, Nidhi Shastri, and Noah Rosenberg.
Fact check by Sara Herschander. Audio mix by Sound Sanctuary, and theme music by Garland Carr and Renzo Gorrio.
Special thanks to Garland and Kelly, for sharing part of their lives with the world.
This season was adapted from original footage, from the documentary film 16 Bars, with support from the filmmakers at Resonant Pictures. You can watch the film at 16barsthefilm.com.
Songs from the 16 Bars Original Motion Picture Soundtrack are used with permission from the copyright holders. Garland’s songs, “Freedom Wind” and “Two Stamps,” courtesy of Eric Michels.
If you want to listen to them, check out trackchange.vpm.org.
This podcast was originated by our Consulting Producer, Sammy Dane. Sam Bathrick was also a Consulting Producer.
Our Executive Producers are Noah Rosenberg, Joe Lamont, and me, Speech Thomas.
Our Producers from VPM are Meg Lindholm and Gavin Wright. VPM’s Chief Content Officer is Steve Humble.
To learn more about the work that REAL is doing to help formerly incarcerated people stay free in Virginia, visit reallifeprogram.org.
See y’all next time.
[Music: Upbeat hip-hop beat ends]
